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You have dark secrets.

You’re afraid.

And if you’re honest with yourself, you’re far more afraid than the limp dick in the next cubicle. You’ve seen war and death and horror. You have gone far deeper into the abyss of fear than he has. But you’re not afraid of the same shit as him. He’s afraid of sharks. Or bad weather. You’re afraid of something else. And you’ve seen how bad it can get. And you know god damn well it can always get worse. And if you ever tell anyone you’re afraid, they’ll think you’re afraid of the same stupid shit that they are, and they’ll think you’re a pussy for it.

You’re ashamed.

You’re ashamed that you were ever once that afraid. Deep down you may even think you’re cowardly because of it. You were tested. And you failed. No one else knows. Everyone, even your war buddies who were standing right next to you thought it didn’t faze you. But you fucking know. You were so god damn afraid. And you’re still ashamed. Because you’re still afraid.

I was smoking weed the other day. It was a premium Sativa called Cheetoz. 35.51% THC. I’m not used to smoking Sativa, and I smoked way too much of it. I became afraid. I tried not to think about war. But I couldn’t not think about it. I became more afraid. The fear beckoned me to plunge in. I did. I was very afraid.

Afterward, I couldn’t help but to ask myself just what the fuck am I afraid of? Because whatever it is, I’m very fucking afraid of it.

You know what you’re really afraid of? You’re afraid of being the most afraid you’ve ever been again. It was the most horrible fear you've ever felt and you never ever want to feel that again. EVER. Because as you stood in the paralyzing electric throb of that fear then, you looked straight into its gaping maw, and knew that you could fall all the way into it. Infinitely deeper. And the knowledge that you could be infinitely more afraid than the worst fear you’ve ever had, terrifies the shit out of you.

Well… I’ve got a little secret for ya…

That thing that you fear the most… That thing.  It’s an impossible thing.

You are ashamed that you felt fear in a gunfight. That’s exactly what you’re supposed to feel, dumbass. And the more shit you got into, the more the tunnel vision went away. The more you could hear, and think, and fight. And after awhile, you got really fucking good at it. And you felt the joy of it. And soon you were cracking jokes and busting on your buddies and fucking laughing right in the middle of the worst of it.

Here’s the thing. You cannot possibly be that afraid again ever in your life. Even if you tried. You didn’t fucking fail any test. The test is not for passing or failing. The test is to purify you. To show you all that you don’t know. The heat of that flame made all the bullshit dross float to the top. All that you were wrong about was purged from you in a fierce instant. It changed who you are. Who you have become will now always be stronger than that fear. You can’t be that person ever again in your life. You cannot un-experience shit. It’s too late. And that’s a fucking fact.

The thing you fear most in this life is a fucking lie. It’s a joke. It’s something you can never experience. Even if you did ever find yourself there, where you were the most afraid you’ve ever been, you’d instantly recognize a place you’ve learned since, and now know very well. That familiar and blessed place where everything slows down and snaps into crystal focus, where all of who you are is there in the infinity of the present and all the violence is smooth as glass around you and nothing matters in the universe to you at all except what you’re doing and your front sight post.

That is a sacred place. Few ever find it. And only in the intensity of tremendous fear will you find the way.

You must understand something. You are a student of fear. All fear can teach you is itself. It knows nothing else. You can never unlearn what it has taught you in its terrifying grip. But there is no other way to learn it. And you have been plunged into it. Immersed. Baptized in it. And then you learned to swim in it.

Your greatest fear is a feeling you once had. And like the busted hooker’s onetime thrilling angst that night her virginity was lost, it’s one you can never experience again. That’s just how that shit works.

All this shit is written and created by Jason Lee Morrison © 2024

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